Cultivating Children With Care
by Dr. David Lawson

I am often asked by parents what they can do to strengthen their relationship with pre-adolescent and adolescent children and help their children be successful. Teenage years are often filled with struggles and conflict, and communication frequently breaks down. Parents want their children to communicate; they want to know what is happening in their children’s lives, and to protect their children. All too often, however, parental attempts to communicate are rebuffed or ignored creating more anxiety for parents. So, what are concerned parents to do?

I frequently use analogies like the book of Proverbs when addressing issues, and in these cases I like to talk about flower gardens. Many of the same principles that work with beautiful and fragile flowers work with children. Flowers need 4 basic elements to flourish and blossom; if these elements are not provided the flower may wither. They need sunlight, good soil, water, and weeding. These elements create the right environment for the flower to be successful. Patience, on the part of the gardener, is also needed to give the flower time to absorb all the necessary elements.

Likewise children need love, time together, open communication and safety. Children need to hear and experience love from parents. Love is like sunlight, providing the energy in the parent-child relationship for good communication to occur. Time together is like soil, providing nourishing opportunities, experiences, and a shared history. Essentially, time is the fertile ground that encourages a child’s roots to grow deep, thus allowing the child to become stable and mature. Open communication is like flowing water, providing open streams for both love and time to be effective. Parents need to share their own life experiences with their children thus encouraging children to open and share also. Finally, children need safety and protection which is like weeding the garden. Without a safe environment neither of the other elements has an opportunity to be effective. Ultimately, weeds or bad environmental elements choke off all communication and, subsequently, kill or destroy the relationship.

Finally, patience is essential. Farmers and gardeners are the most patient people on earth. They recognize that each element takes time to be effective and that if the elements are provided the flower will blossom in it’s time. Flowers, like children, do not blossom overnight, and patience with a child who is struggling to relate, is essential to the relationship.

A word of warning. I have observed families who grow impatient with their children and force them to communicate or relate before the child is ready. This would be like a gardener who grows impatient and forces a flower to bloom too early. This looks good for a time, but the gardener runs the risk of weakening or destroying the flower. Forcing children to communicate too early is analogous to ripping petals open on a flower. Your child is like that tender flower. Patience provides time for the elements to nourish the child who will ultimately blossom and provide you, the parent, with a beautiful relationship.

Dr. David Lawson is a Licensed clinical Psychologist and is a Professor of Counseling Psychology at Palm Beach Atlantic University-Orlando Campus.